Time

I haven't had the time lately to write because I started my new job on Monday, Sept. 29. After I leave work, I head to cheerleading practice where I coach 27 girls. By the time I get home {around 9:00} I am vamished. I grab a quick bite to eat (of course, lite food so I don't gain any weight), pay some bills [if any are due], try to read a little and then I wash my face and head to bed. So, I will do my best to keep things up here in my blog but I assure you it won't be daily. By the way, I love my new job. Until next time...

on Handling Loss

"When we think of loss we think of the loss, through death, of people we love. But loss is far more encompassing theme in our life. Not only through death, but leaving and being left, by changing and letting go and moving on. And our losses include not only our separations and departures from those we love, but our conscious and unconscious losses of romantic dreams, impossible expectations, illusions of freedom and power, illusions of safety-and the loss of own younger self, the self that thought it always would be unwrinkled and invulnerable and immortal." {BOOK: Journey through Womanhood}

I have had a loss in every way spoken about in the above statement. I have been the one leaving and I have been the one being left. Thus, causing me to make changes-some changes were dramatic and others were just simple. I have had to learn the hard way what letting go and moving on really means. By letting go it doesn't necessarily mean exactly that you just one day, suddenly, let go. It is a daily process of releasing expectations, sadness, anger, fear, bitterness and dreams. Each day is a chance to make a choice to move on, no matter what the circumstances are surrounding you. And by moving on it doesn't mean you can't look back. Looking back gives the present hope for the future...where you've been, how far you've come and how much you've changed. Looking back also holds memories, people you've loved, people who have touched your heart in such a profound way that their footprints will remain when all else has withered away, and trials that turned into triumphs. Moving on just means that what you one thought, felt and wanted will not come to pass. So, you take a deep breath, put one foot in front of the other, hold your head up and travel, day by day, to another journey along the pathway of life.

You realize, with sadness and joy, that you are wrinkled. Every wrinkle is a reminder of the life you have lived, the wisdom you have gained and the places you have been. You realize, with openness and doubt, that you are vulnerable. You must be vulnerable to truly love another person. By being vulnerable it doesn't mean to be ignorant with your heart and soul. I simply means that you are breaking down walls and putting yourself out there, knowing that you may get hurt and that your expectations and illusions may not come to fruition, but hoping with all your heart and soul that just this once things turn out just the way you wanted. You realize, with fear and trembling, that you are not immortal. The crazy adventures and carefree spirit you once had will never be again. You realize that you have a responsibility to your spouse, your children and yourself. You value life and treasure every moment that God blesses you to live another day.

You learn with every letting go, with every moving on and with every hello and good-bye.

Choose

{Choose} Here is another entry in my "one little word" journal...what it means to me.

1. to stand out from the crowd 2. to always be yourself no matter what 3. LIFE 4. to color outside the lines once in a while 5. to create your masterpiece 6. to decorate your life with as much color as possible 7. YOU 8. to take more risks 9. to always follow your heart 10. to believe in something even if it makes sense to no one but you 11. OPPORTUNITY when it comes knocking 12. wisely 13. to be grateful even when you don't want to 14. to better yourself everyday 15. GREATNESS 16. to love even though you may get hurt 17. to dance 18. to learn from your mistakes 19. to always give 100% in everything you do 20. to discipline yourself 21. to be confident 22. to be positive 23. GOD 24. your words carefully 25. to be adventurous 26. to never compromise who you are to be someone you are not 27. PERSISTENCE 28. experience 29. to laugh at yourself sometimes 30. RESPECT

Learned To Late

I have learned that if
you must leave a place
that you have lived in and loved,
And where all you yesterdays
are buried deep-
Leave it any way except slow;
leave it the fastest
way you can.

Never turn back and believe
that and hour you remember
is a better hour because
it is dead.

Past years seem safe ones,
vanquished ones,
while the future lives in a cloud,
formidable from a distance.

The cloud clears though,
as you enter it.

I have learned this,
but like everyone,
I learned it late.

by Beryl Markham (1902-1986)

Things I Am Happy About 2day

Today has been a very difficult day. It started well but has gone downhill ever since my drive to work. I was starting to let all the "negativity" of those around me influence my choice to stay positive and happy. Before I started to drown in the misery around me I made a list of things to be happy about right now {hoping to cheer my mood and it worked}. Now, its going to be a bright sun-shiny day - from here on out.

1. CHOICES 2. good health 3. God's mercy and grace 4. ability to walk 5. beauty of nature 6. listening to music on my iPod 7. i can read and write 8. i can drive 9. FREEDOM 10. Elvis:my boxer bulldog 11. good friends 12. new beginnings 13. SUNSHINE 14. poetry 15. overcoming emotional obstacles 16. i have plenty of food to eat 17. family 18. internet: technology 19. OPPORTUNITY KNOCKING ON MY DOOR 20. my new purse 21. water 22. my journal {full of my thoughts and inspiration} 23. coffee 24. FAITH 25. my new hair-cut and color 26. scars {a reminder of where i have been} 27. blessed to have seen beautiful places all over the world 28. love 29. fresh flowers blooming 30. POSSIBILITY 31. progression 32. laughter 33. time 34. good news 35. blackberry curve cell phone 36. colors 37. pictures on my desk 38. Grey's Anatomy comes back on TV next week 39. right to vote 40. 34 years of life [the best yet to come].

I could go on and on but that's my "list" today.

Moving On

I received a call yesterday about a job I applied for a few weeks ago. The job is mine. I am excited. Yet a little sad. I have worked at our families business for nearly 16 years. It is hard leaving something that has been so much a part of my life all these years. The industry our company is in has taken a downfall (no thanks to the economy issues) and to be frank, I don't want this business when my parents decide to retire. I have accumulated so much stuff here. I don't know what I will do with it all.

I told my parents this morning that I would be leaving in 2 weeks. That was tough! I don't think they really ever thought I would decide to change careers. Seeing my dad cry broke my heart. He doesn't understand that I need this change. He wants me to stay because of selfish reasons {i understand selfishness all too well}. If I don't move on now I never will. I know this business will continue to operate, but without me, it will seem somewhat empty to them. I was always on time for work, hardly took any vacation, they trusted me to make sure things were taken care of when they were out of the office.

I have learned so much while working with them. I basically set up the entire accounting system we use now. I have met wonderful people. I have grown with this company and that being said, I am sad to see this time come to an end.

Moving on is exciting. I am so happy. Heck, to be honest, I never thought I would leave either. I am proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone. Life is full of change and we must change... or we will be left behind. "the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step". Here's to my journey!!

Simple Pleasures

1. reading a book 2. a cup of coffee 3. chocolate 4. bubble bath 5. Sunday afternoon nap 6. manicure 7. pedicure 8. a day at the Salon 9. ability to walk 10. a "play-day" 11. surfing the web for "good stuff" 12. Elvis {my boxer bulldog} 13. iPod 14. going to the theater 15. QUIET TIME 16. my pillow & blanket 17. scrapbooks 18. Saturday mornings relaxing on the porch 19. spending time with Chloe {my little cuz} 20. smell of Hazelnut 21. shopping 22. blackberry curve [i can't do without it] 23. workout at the gym 24. encouraging words 25. a massage 26. cool, unique stuff 27. autumn arriving 28. football games 29. laughter 30. art 31. purses 32. shoes 33. talks with friends 34. vacation 35. sunset 36. sunrise 37. LOVE 38. a note from someone unexpected 39. freedom 40. post-it-notes 41. my laptop 42. HUGS 43. ability to hear 44. something new 45. anticipation of things to come 46. colors --> red, black & white 47. white-out 48. life 49. coaching cheerleading 50. creativity

-just a few things that bring me joy...keep me going!!

Bringing the Funny to Politics

Below is a clip from SNL. Democrat or Republican, it will make you laugh out loud. Enjoy :)

So Happy

I have my laptop back...she is fixed. Apparently I had a virus that locked down my entire system. Thankfully, my brothers friend was able to get me up and running again. I am a happy girl. Until tomorrow...

50 things about me

1. I was born in Gastonia, North Carolina.
2. My birthday is February 9.
3. I am cautiously optimistic.
4. I try to read at least two books a month. I never read sci-fi, fantasy, or romance novels.
5. I had an imaginary friend named Suzie when I was a kid. Sometimes I wish she was still around so I could talk to her.
6. I would do anything to not have to shave my legs. Except waxing! (ouch)
7. I am easy to get along with. But don't make me angry or you will see my wrath.
8. I want to move far away from where I am now.
9. I have an unlimited reserve of scorn for pedophiles.
10. I don't believe a woman's voice should be suppressed. Especially if she has a good idea.
11. My first best friends name was Danielle. She lives in Dacula, Ga. now.
12. I am 34. I believe the best years of my life have yet to be lived.
13. I have 2 brothers, 2 step sisters and 1 half sister. I never talk to the sisters but adore my brothers.
14. I was a good kid. Now I want to be a rebellious adult.
15. I like peace and quiet.
16. I don't like looking back but sometimes I can't stop myself from doing so.
17. I like to cook but take-out is easier.
18. My natural hair color is dark-dark brown. I have been every color except blond.
19. I hate to clean. I only do it because I hate a mess even more.
20. I do not like obnoxious people. The get on every nerve I have.
21. I believe in Karma.
22. I believe there is only one way to Heaven.
23. I want to go skydiving but I am terrified.
24. I am a hopeless romantic.
25. My ideal man is a combination of George Clooney, Tom Brady and Patrick Dempsey.
26. I still listen to New Kids on the Block. (only when no one is around me though!)
27. I do not meddle in other people's business.
28. I cannot roller skate, ice skate or snow ski. I envy those who can.
29. I am a cheerleading coach.
30. I don't like horror movies or haunted houses. I have nightmares for months.
31. I like being single but I get lonely sometimes.
32. I wish some people would just disappear.
33. My daddy was an absent father. He is why I am still waiting on one man to prove to me they are not all the same.
34. I laugh when people do stupid things and get hurt. I can't help it!
35. I am anti-abortion yet I still believe in the right to choose.
36. I believe in love at first sight although it has never happened to me personally.
37. I love walks on the beach.
38. I am a dreamer. I live in my own "la la world" most of the time.
39. I have a peeve of people who ask me to do something they can do themselves. (sure let me drop everything to accommodate you)!!
40. I love children although I am not certain I will be a mother.
41. I don't believe money can buy you everything but I know poverty will get you nothing.
42. I love watching football. I am a Redskins fan by default.
43. I hate snakes, mice and ants.
44. I love to write.
45. I want to be famous for something, someday.
46. I am addicted to chocolate.
47. I took a 2 week trip to England, Holland, Germany, Italy, Austria, Switzerland, France and Belgium by myself. It was the best thing I have ever done :)
48. I want my cake and eat it too and you are lying if you say you don't!
49. I love to be with happy people. Misery loves company. That's why I am alone.
50. I do not suffer fools gladly.

Venting

Today I am using this space to vent out my frustration.

I went on a job interview over 3 weeks ago. I have since called three times. Each time I call the answer is the same, "I haven't had a chance to talk it over with my partner". Well, the last time I called the guy said he would call me by Wednesday. Today is Thursday and still nothing! What am I to do? Do I call again or just forget about it?

Tuesday night I went to Subway for dinner. All I asked for was tuna, no bread. Can you believe they wouldn't sell me the tuna without the bread? I, of course, complained and then just ordered the tuna with the bread. After I got home, i took the sandwich out of the wrapping, scraped the tuna off the bread and threw the bread in the trash. I felt somewhat guilty for wasting the bread but I told them I didn't want it. If the customer is always supposed to be right then why couldn't they sell me the tuna without the bread?

The rain we have been getting here is ridiculous. I am so tired of walking out of the house and getting soaked, even with the umbrella. I shouldn't complain because we do need the rain but not this much at one time. My wipers on my vehicle were going full speed and I still couldn't see one inch infront of me. Standing water was all on the side of the road. I practically had to drive 30 mph just to avoid having an accident. Thank God I made it home safely and the rain has eased off today. Although we are supposed to be getting more this afternoon and tomorrow. I miss the "SUNSHINE" :(

Then, on top of all the other chaos, my laptop quit working. I took it to Best Buy to have the "Geek Squad" take a look at it. By the time I got to the store I was so frustrated, the rain and all, took the computer to the counter and the guy turned it on. "The keyboard is locked up" he said. I just stepped back and said "you've got to be kidding me"! I am not a sarcastic person but yesterday I pulled out all the stops in our conversation. To make a long story short, the "geek squad" are not geeks! They are just a bunch of boy's pretending to know what the heck they are talking about. Final Result: "you will need to send it to the manufacturer and have them take a look at it. There is nothing we can do. It is still under the warranty. It will take approximately two weeks". That's where I lost it. Do you think for one minute if the computers were down at Best Buy that they could stand to wait 2 weeks to have it fixed? I think not. So why should I be any different? I put my laptop back in the carry case, walked out of the store and called my brother. He is what I call a computer geek He lives in Miami so he does me no good being that far. He gave me the name of a guy that can fix it. I called him and he said to drop it off and it should take about one or two days. I miss my laptop. I want it back now!!

That's it!! Things could be worse.

Beginning To Be

It is I who must begin...

Once I begin, once I try-
here and now,
right where I am,
not excusing myself by saying
things would be easier elsewhere,
without grand speeches and
ostentatious gestures,
but all the more persistently
-to live in harmony
with the "voice of being", as I
understand it within myself
-as soon as I begin that,
I suddenly discover,
that to my surprise, that
I am neither the only one
nor the first,
nor the most important one
to have set out upon that road...

Whether all is really lost
or not depends entirely on
whether or not I am lost...

by Vaclav Havel

One Little Word

Oh, the power of a single word. I was surfing the internet a few days ago and came upon a great idea from another blogger. Using one little word, what does it define or say for you? So, I started with the word NEVER, listed below is what I came up with...

NEVER...

1. forget where you came from 2. give up 3. say it cannot be done 4. back down 5. stop believing in yourself 6. let a good opportunity pass you by 7. QUIT 8. miss a chance to better yourself 9. lose HOPE 10. settle for anything less than what you want 11. compromise yourself 12. waste time 13. waste your life 14. look back 15. stop living in the very moment you are in 16. tell yourself you are not good enough 17. forget your dreams 18. go out in public with dirty underwear 19. miss a good chance to shut your mouth and listen 20. stop learning 21. walk away from LOVE 22. let an open door slam in your face 23. stick your nose where it doesn't belong 24. steal 25. stay in your comfort zone for too long 26. become so dependent on someone else that you fall apart if they are gone 27. think everything is always about you 28. REGRET 29. forget to learn from your mistakes 30. go to bed angry.

those are just a few things never means to me...

Common Cold of the Soul

To sinful patterns of behavior that never get confronted and changed.
Abilities and gifts that never get cultivated and deployed-
Until weeks become months
And months turn into years,
And one day you're looking back on a life of deep intimate, gut-wrenchingly
honest conversations you never had;
Great bold prayers you never prayed
Exhilarating risks you never took,
Sacrificial gifts you never offered.
And you're sitting in a recliner with a shriveled soul,
And forgotten dreams,
And you realize there was a world of desperate need,
And a great God calling you to be part of something bigger than yourself-
You see the person you could have become but did not;
You never followed your calling.
You never got out of the boat.

by Gregg Levoy

34 things i am HAPPY about 2day

1. CHOICES 2. good health 3. God's mercy 4. freedom 5. new beginnings 6. poetry 7. my dog 8. good friends 9. laughter 10. technology 11. time 12. ability to walk 13. LOVE 14. television 15. SUNSHINE 16. water 17. my creative journal 18. progression 19. the right to vote 20. sight 21. scars 22. family 23. OPPORTUNITY 24. i can read and write 25. traveling 26. blackberry 27. iPod 28. good news 29. coffee 30. transportation 31. POSSIBILITY 32. rainbows 33. faith 34. CHANGE

Defining Moments

I read somewhere a few years ago that we each have a set of defining moments in our lives. Most are only up to seven, which at 34 years of age, I have 5. They are listed below in order:

1. my high school graduation
2. traveling to 7 countries in Europe when I was 22 yrs old
3. my wedding day
4. the death of my grandfather
5. meeting Chris

They each had a different impact on my life, each of which, changed my life.

I loved High School. I was a cheerleader, had lots of friends, loved my teachers (hated homework), President of my Jr. Class, member of the Senior Senate, you name it ...i was in it. I lived life so fully and freely then. Of course, I had my heartaches, like all girls. I had bad grades every now and then. But those were the days when the life ahead seemed full of promise; dreams hadn't yet been faced with hard reality and I was so naive to believe that I could conquer the world. I hated the day I graduated. The year was 1992. It seems so far away.

Traveling to all those countries in Europe was by far the most amazing experience I have ever had. Words cannot do justice to explain the beauty of it all. It is definitely one of those things you have to experience yourself to understand the magnitude of its glory. I traveled alone, well, not really alone. There were other people on the tour but I didn't know a single soul. There were people from all over the world on this journey with me. I shared the most amazing thing in my life with complete strangers. (imagine that). I will never forget one single moment of that trip. It is forever embedded in my mind.

Every girl dreams of her wedding day. I was no different. I was marring the most handsome man I had ever laid my eyes on. We were both 24 years old. Ready to conquer the world...or so we thought. I was no longer a single gal. Instead, I became part of someone else. It is strange how our lives are transformed in just a single second. As I walked down the aisle, there he stood. So handsome in his penguin suit. He had a smile plastered across his face. It made my heart smile. I was so nervous. My palms were sweaty. My knees were weak. I enjoyed every single minute of the hours leading up to the ceremony. Everyone we loved and cared about shared in that glorious day. It was truly magical. I will remember that day until the day I die.

My grandfather was and still is the most amazing, wonderful and lovable man I have ever known. His hugs could make everything okay. His smile could light up a dark room. He was and will forever be my hero. God broke the mold when he made grandpa. I will never forget my grandmothers voice on the other end of the phone when she called to say grandpa had been in a car wreck and rushed to the hospital. We arrived at the hospital and were taken immediately to a room located just outside the ER. The doctor gave us the bad news that grandpa was not going to live. We were allowed one at a time to go in and see him; tell him good-bye. That was the most excruciating, painful thing I ever had to do. He was the strands that held the fabric together. He was peace in a troubled storm. How do you say goodbye to someone whom you love and adore more than life itself? You just close your eyes and let your heart lead the way. I held his hand and told him how much I loved him. I looked into his eyes, they were no longer full of life. They were empty. The man I knew just hours before was now just a body, laying frail. I kissed him goodbye, tears running down my face like a waterfall. As I left, another member of the family came in, one by one, until we were all finished. When the doctors took him off life support, the family was all gathered by. I can still hear the weeping if it's too quite. That day changed my life. My security was gone. I had to start going through life without the love of my life. I miss him everyday. Time doesn't necessarily heal, it just teaches you how to cope with the loss day to day. I haven't been the same since he died...

We are all blessed to meet people whom change our lives. Some for the worse and others for the better. When I met Chris my life was in a downward spiral; spinning fast and out of control. I had lost direction. My marriage was nearly over, my career path left me so unfulfilled, my life was just a complete disaster. This man will probably never know just how profoundly he changed my life. His experiences were similar to mine. We had both been hurt. We were both disillusioned with love. We shared conversations that revealed our hearts, one layer a time. Now granted, I still don't know everything about him but what I do know for sure that he is by far the most inspiring man I have ever met. He sent me an email shortly after our first meeting each other. In the email he simply stated that " you have to believe that God is sovereign and that he will use you and your distinct gifts. Be still and listen to God. It is important that you act on His call. Sometimes we have to shake up our lives in order to force change. Your change will have to be acted upon in faith into a place where it seems there is no security or clear vision of where you are going. Just follow God and Act. " Those words hit me harder than a ton of bricks. I know that God sent Chris in my life to help heal and restore a broken spirit. I will forever be grateful for that. I am truly blessed to call this man my friend.


Those moments all shaped the woman I am today. It is true that a single moment in time can change a million after. I know that I am strong, that I can endure. Nothing hits harder than life but it is not about how many times you get hit, it is about how many times you get hit and can keep getting back up. Remember: If you keep your face toward the sunshine you cannot see the shadows.

After A While

After a while you learn the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security
and you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up
and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn

by Veronica A. Shoffstall

my first entry

i have a Moleskine journal that i purchased a few years ago. everytime i would open it up to log a journal entry the pages just stared back at me. they were so boring. i decided to decorate the pages so they didn't feel so empty and bland. i used rub-ons, a few stickers and anything else i could find that captured the essence of what i was feeling on that given day. inside this journal, now with beautifully decorated pages, i find myself eager to write. i have also collected things from other people such as quotes and poetry. we all need inspiration. we need to connect with someone else who may have gone through an experience that we are facing right now. so, thats the purpose of this blog page. to share with you my life, my journey through womanhood. i will also include things i have taken from other people and that will be noted when i do so. i hope that this blog page will touch the hearts of others and inspire them to live the best life they possibly can.